Not My Choice

I am 38 years old and childless.  I want to have or adopt at least one child.   I kinda just kicked myself out of the dating pool.  I mean, I'm not even in the shallow end.

Here's my conundrum: Guys who already have kids don't want to date me because I want kids.  Guys who want kids don't want to date me because, well let's face it, my eggs are probably past their "sell by" date.  I may be an idiot, but I can see the writing on the wall. 

I feel like a criminal for wanting children.  I know I wouldn't be single right now if I had already had kids.  I think I probably wouldn't give a shit about being single if I had already had kids.  I've been dumped so many times for wanting kids it would make your head fucking spin...it should be noted, by men who already have children.

And boy do I resent them.  I resent them for having a child.  I resent them for rejecting my idea of a child, while expecting me to accept their children into my life.  I resent them for robbing me of the experience of motherhood.  I resent them for making me think my relationship odds would be better as a single mom with two different baby-daddies, rather than childless.  I resent them for not wanting to be part of raising a child with me, when they are obviously able to do so with someone else.  I resent them for making me think there would be something wrong with my child, like it wouldn't really be theirs, like they've already had their kids, why on Earth would they want mine?  I resent them because I think my best option is to go slut it up all over town in an effort to get knocked-up, rather than have a meaningful relationship with someone.

I have no problem with a man having children.  I love kids.  Kids have always been a huge part of my life.  I've been raising other people's kids for 20 years, what's a couple more?  I raise awesome kids too.  You should meet some of them.  You just wouldn't believe how fucking awesome they are.  I'm just saying, I'm really good at raising kids.

I can't help but think I've made a huge mistake by using so much birth control when I was younger, when I was trying to graduate from college, when I was trying to find my calling, when I was yucking it up doing improv.  I'm sure I missed many an opportunity then, because I was really slutty.  And now I've probably cheated myself out of something amazing.